WTF - What’s the Function?
What Is A Toddler’s Bite Communicating?
As a parent of a toddler, you've no doubt experienced the feral nature of your child. The pasta sauce smeared like camouflage, deafening gas ripped in the middle of a quiet library, the need to hang upside down off your mother-in-law's pristine sofa. But what about when the behavior doesn't happen where you can see it? When it's only happening at their childcare center and you have no way of controlling or even understanding it.
This is something many (many) parents experience, especially when it comes to biting in toddlerhood.
If you haven't already, start with “Biting in Daycare”, it'll give you the foundation for everything we're about to cover. The short version: biting is communication. Toddlers bite because they don't yet have the skills to handle big moments any other way.
But what are they communicating? That's what we’ll jump into today.
Childcare emergencies always seem to happen during important meetings!
*Bzzz* your phone whispers from your pocket at 11:46am during a client lunch meeting. You take a quick peek just in case.
Hi there! Wanted to let you know Sam bit a friend again today.
Gravity pushes down and you just want to collapse on the floor. This is the 3rd day in a row and the always-smiling director mentioned you might have to schedule a meeting soon to discuss “These challenging behaviors.”
As your client and colleagues review numbers, upcoming project dates, and throw in small talk - you’re lost in thoughts about your daughter. She’s not even two, how are we already dealing with bad behavior? Is she going to be kicked out? WHY is she biting??
Your spouse calls you and you debrief, not sure how to respond to the message. You ask each other “Does she do this at home?” No. “Have we ever seen her bite?” No. “Does she bite her cousin?” No. “Does the cousin bite her?” No.
You finally message the director back and apologize, asking if the teachers know why Sam continues to bite. Nervously waiting, you wonder what the plan will look like going forward.
The Next Part of this Story Can Go Two Ways
Option A (The more common):
A message returns and the director explains, “We don’t know why. It’s random! Let’s chat this afternoon when you pick up.”
Four hours tick by until you leave and pull into the parking lot. You jealously watch as other parents seem to skip to their cars without a care in the world, meanwhile your heart is thundering.
Google says biting is normal at this age. Your mom reassured you of the same thing. Sam is just a baby! And she’s always smiling in her photos at school - this just has to be a weird week. Maybe she’s teething? Maybe she’s congested? Maybe you’re the worst mom ever? No.
You walk into the building and step into an office with Sam’s teacher and the center director.
“We love Sam - we really do. But the biting is beginning to upset other parents. We’ve had a complaint yesterday and today.” The smile is not there and Sam’s teacher stands quietly behind her.
“I understand. We’d love to help Sam stop biting. Can you tell me why it’s happening?”
“Unfortunately, it’s random and seems to happen all day. We never know what’s going to set her off.”
“Is there anything we can do to help?” You chew the inside of your cheek, impatient.
“Well, this is age appropriate and it happens more often in toddler classrooms than at home.” she says reassuringly but seems unable to give more information about why.
You leave the conversation feeling hopeless and floundering, unsure of what to do next.
Option B (Where we need to be heading):
A message returns and the director explains, “We have some ideas, yes! The teachers have been noticing a pattern. Let’s talk tonight and come up with a plan.”
Four hours later you drive to Sam’s school, optimistic about the conversation and ready to brainstorm and move past this phase of toddlerhood. You brush past other families and smile at a mom you know and joke, “Hey! This parenting thing is tough - I have a disciplinary meeting about Sam! Wish me luck!”
On a phone call earlier with your mom she reassured you that biting can be normal and she suggests hearing the staff out. Being a parent is challenging, toddlers have a mind of their own, but luckily you have a team of professionals to guide you.
You wave to the director and greet Sam’s teacher, who holds a piece of paper with some notes written on it. You all quickly exchange small talk and finally the teacher says, “So, let’s talk about Sam. I think I know what’s going on.”
She and the director then walk you through the information they have and provide some education on toddler behaviors. They explain that biting is communication - Sam doesn’t have words yet, so she’s using another method to get a message to peers. Quickly, the director talks through what that might look like.
Biting can have Four Functions as dictated by the principles of behavior science.
Escape: Avoiding or removing herself from an unwanted situation.
Example: Another child is standing close to her and her shrieks do not have any effect. He continues to crowd her. She bites him and he moves immediately.
Example: Sam doesn’t like to sit at circle time - she’s learned that if she bites a peer, she can go sit in the “Calm Corner” and read a book alone instead. She has begun biting as soon as circle time is announced.
Attention: Accessing peer or adult attention as a way to connect.
Example: Two children share blocks and Sam approaches to play, too. Her classmates don’t seem to see her and she wants to play, too. She bites a peer on the shoulder and the child turns and looks at her.
Example: One of the teachers is out sick, which means there is less attention to go around. Sam wants a teacher to hold her, but it’s not happening. Sam remembers the last time she bit the teacher picked her up and carried her so she didn’t bite again. She bites another student and looks up at the teacher expectantly.
Tangible: Accessing a preferred item or activity.
Example: A little boy has all the Pete the Cat books piled next to him. Sam goes to grab one and he screams at her. Sam bites him, he runs away, she now sits and looks quietly at Pete the Cat and His Four Groovy Buttons.
Sensory: Biting as a way to satisfy a sensory need. This often happens when a child is in pain, teething, or looking for a way to regulate.
Example: Sam uses her pacifier at home when she’s upset. Sucking on it allows her to feel in control and safe - it’s grounding and familiar. At school, she doesn’t have a pacifier, so she chews on her fingers or a toy. If she can’t find a toy, or a teacher keeps redirecting her fingers out of her mouth - Sam resorts to biting a peer to alleviate the pain and/or anxiety she’s experiencing.
***Important note - This is not aggression. Her body needed something and she found it.
To determine what function the biting is serving, the teachers have been observing Sam. They notice when the bites happen, where she is in the classroom, and what the bites seem to be getting her. They’ve jotted down notes and now have some basic data to create a plan.
Together, you review the notes, draft a plan, and walk out knowing what to do to support your daughter and what the teachers will be doing at school. Even if the biting doesn’t stop immediately, you know there are steps being taken and the school has your back - and more importantly, Sam’s.
